Childless by Choice

A lot of you may not want to read this post. That’s okay. It’s not really Rescuing Related. Although some of you may want to try to rescue me from what you think is a terrible decision. 🙂 You can come back tomorrow, I will have something better. I feel like for some of you, talking more about my real life might be helpful. A lot of times in my DIY classes people talk about their life and kids. We get to know each other really well and I love that.

Step 1 in getting to know me is that I used to be an engineer.

And now, My husband used to be an engineer too.

If you follow me on facebook you know that I am HLA-B27 positive and have Ankylosing Spondylitis. There are good days and there are bad days. And there are days that I know some day soon I will be forced to make  some lifestyle changes. I think the sooner I make them the better, but I know they will be hard and I am not good at hard things so I put it off. Also, once I go down that road its official. I am officially sick and I officially have a life that has to be managed. I’m not good at this. In all honesty, ignoring it is easier….for now.

Anyway, something else that has become a part of who I am is my decision to not have children. I don’t talk about it a lot because I think its personal and opens me up to hearing these things:
“You’ll change your mind”

“You still have time”

“You will never know true love”

“That’s so selfish”

and so on.

I have three dogs. We love our three dogs.  More dogs is something we want. We will always have dogs. When people find out I am married, almost the very next question is “Do you have children”.  The only right answer seems to be yes and when I say no the disapproval can be cut with a knife.

When Brandt and I got married, we did not know about my AS but we did know I was fairly positive I did NOT want children. He really doesn’t care either way but leans more to not changing things. In all the time I have known him he has never questioned if we have made the right decision. Really, I have. I literally stay up late to watch videos of people announcing to their families that they are expecting. I have googled till I am blue in the face and one time years ago I came across a blog that summarized my feelings perfectly. They wanted all the kodak moments. That was it. I wanted all the beautiful kodak moments but I didn’t want to make school lunches. Ok, maybe I am selfish.

But when I got diagnosed with AS, it became my excuse. You can still have children, but its harder so it is easier to blame it on my disease.

But this is my choice and I should own it. I have read a lot of childless vs childfree blogs. Childless is a term for people who want kids and can’t have them and childfree is a term for people who don’t want kids and aren’t having them.

After years, I can honestly say I am neither. I think there is a group of people that may regret later in life not having children but don’t find that reason enough to have children. I think there is a group of people that LOVE kids and wished they wanted them.  There is also a group of people that see all their friends that have always known they have wanted kids but never had that feeling. I also think there is a group of people that are jealous of their friends that have always known they wanted to be moms. At least this is what I tell myself so I don’t feel like I am alone. I love kids. Sometimes it is almost heartbreaking that I don’t want my own but I think it is the right decision for me.

My Perspective

I am writing this to bring light to it. Some people don’t understand the decision of those that purposefully do not have children and may think its selfish or wrong but maybe you are missing that it is also painful. And it isn’t a requirement. It is almost taboo to not want children, although I think that is changing.  I know it can be disheartening when the very people you are so so happy for when they expand their family think you will live a loveless miserable life. I know children are wonderful and amazing and that there is nothing like it. Ok, Maybe I don’t KNOW but I get it and I am so so happy for those that have a family. Please don’t stop telling me your adorable stories. I live for those kodak moments. We all have our own path. Parents have the world’s hardest job. I have the utmost respect for you. Raising humans in this world is an overwhelming thought to me which is probably why it is better you than me.

But we can all talk about your little ones in our DIY classes over a glass of wine. 🙂

For those that struggle with the decision of not having children, I just wanted you to know…there is nothing wrong with you. It is okay. You are okay.

I am an ex engineer, with all the student loans to prove it, not using my degree at all, small business creative entrepreneur, dog mom and I am okay.